and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
