so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
