Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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