Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
