I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
