so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize