Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm bleeding and have questions
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
