He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
