I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
