i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The adults are the big ones right?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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