So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
