I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
