Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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