why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
