I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
