he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
