You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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