I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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