I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
