How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
