OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
