yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
