I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
