Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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