Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
