dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize