there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
