In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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