Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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