I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
being pregnant is like rehab
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
