So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
