note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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