Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
