well I can't set my house on fire every night
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
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