saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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