life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
please don't ironically join a cult
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