Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
