K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
