Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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