Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Congratulations! We have a period
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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