he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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