Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
