You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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