That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I am midnight drunk by noon
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Drake has all the answers
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
