I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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