I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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