is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize