when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
