I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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