Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
