i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
