I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
