I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
