I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize