Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize