omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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