there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
