It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
