chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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