I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
