Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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