Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
