He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
