I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
