You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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