8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
people are starting to question the shark bite story
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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