who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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