My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
