Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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