how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize