I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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