i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
