I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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